ahaha! so you think i'm arrogant?

the year is almost over and soo much has happened. now that i think about it, not only is the year almost over but also a decade will be passing. this passing decade is preety much my whole life and life has been different lately (meaning the past two or three years). In these past couple of years i have picked up some precarious habits that i once told myself that i would never be reduced to that level to solve a problem that i have been struggled with for most of my life (i guess its true, never say never). that struggle effects me everyday (actually; correction) my entire day is planned round this problem to make sure mr. monster is satisfied. and i am almost at my breaking point and i am not if its worth it. monsieur monster deludes me from sanity and has gotten in the way of my school work. i often think of why i  do this. is it for those certain numbers? and once those numbers are achieved what happens then? i doubt that monsieur monster is going to just pack his things and leave.
so the term is almost over for school, three more days to be exact. report cards will be distributed after winter holidays. it is safe to safe to say that i will not be recieving honour roll. i am heavily debating if i should seek help from the progenitors. but i keep thinking "wat if they dont help" i mean thats apart of where monsieur monster came from, their lack of help and their words which monsieur monster was more than happy to translate into something else. but then i think ok so if i do get the help that i need and i pour out everything onto the floor, the consequences are... they frighten me. if i really want to get rid of monsieur monster there will be no possible way where i could leave certain subjects in the dark. once they are brought into the light, yeah sure i will feel better, but events would become catastrophical. lives will be moved as though they were books being placed into brand new ikea shelving systems. those lives have been through enough. although i do believe there are better places for them. but there is a tremendous risk involved and i dont want to be responsible for inflicting that upon them. so the question is, do i keep this to myself, sacraficing my well being for that of others who are close to me? and dont get me wrong, i love it when i get treated like a spoiled rotten, arrogant child. i appreciate it a lot... so merci. maybe this is where most of my silent frustration comes from?